SIX THINGS A MIDWIFE WANTS YOU TO KNOW ABOUT PLEASURE
As you read this, I would like to invite you to release jaw tension, allow your shoulders to fall, and give your toes a wiggle. Have you had any water today? Grab a snack! Nothing I am about to tell you is required. Everything is an opportunity you can decide to engage with — or not.
- Embrace what feels good when it comes to pleasure; ignore the “supposed to.” Your body and your genitals are entirely for your own use, not for the use and comfort of others. For some people this means lots of sexual pleasure, and for others it can look very different. Start with what feels good. There is no quota on the amount of sex you should be having or providing your partners with. Many happy couples do not have sex regularly. Many unhappy couples have great sex. Many individuals identify as asexual and are in the range from limited to no sexual attraction to people of any and all genders. Do not measure the sucess of any relationship on the amount of sex you are have together.
- Sex does not necessarily need to be a big deal emotionally, but it is almost always a big deal physically. Think about how you prepare and put effort into recovery for workouts, long trips, and other physical events. What do you do to prepare for and recover from sex?
Emphasize aftercare! People can feel all kinds of things after sex. Make sure you and your partner/ partners have what you need to recover. Offer them water, food, a massage or a bath, and take care of tender areas after kink. Check in on their emotional state and ask if there is anything they would like done differently in the future. Do this for all your partners and expect the same for yourself.
I feel so strongly about this that I created a product called slutsoak. The soak is antifungal and antimicrobial and soothes sore tissues. Most importantly, it creates a ritual for recovery after sex. It’s important to have a post-sex ritual, however small. Most people shower, eat, and have other post-workout rituals. Think about sex in the same way.
- Expand your definition of sex, especially if you’re straight. Most queer people already know that sex can look like so much more than a penis going in and out of a vagina repidly (that’s called intercourse). Some of the books I recomend below extensively detail sex acts that are not intercourse. Sex is not defined by the presence and orgasm of a penis. Personally, to me, sex means one or more adults giving themselves sensations that they enjoy in an intimate way.
- Find your porn! Many people love traditional porn, many people do not. I want to encourage you to follow your heart to the porn that best serves your pleasure. This may or may not match your idea of what you want in real life, and it does not need to. Here are some pornographic recomendations that most poeple are not aware of:
Not into the visuals? Read your porn!
- The Ripped Bodice: Go in curious and leave reading alien porn and loving it. There is something for everyone.
Love watching porn but feel like it’s not what you want to see? Subscribe to these feminist porn sites:
And remember, if you are not paying for your porn, it’s probably not ethically made. You don’t want to work for free, and sex workers should not be expected to either.
- Sex comes with tools and accessories — embrace them! Many clients of mine might feel embarrassed that they need lube, or a vibrator in order to come. This is not only normal, but excellent! We also need forks to eat food and toilet paper to wipe our bums. Just because you need tools to achieve pleasure or orgasm does not make you lesser. Imagine asking for a napkin at a restaurant and being shamed for needing it. Don’t bring that energy into the bedroom. Here are some of my recommendations for sex toy sites that are sex positive and gender inclusive:
- Lube quiz, find your perfect match: https://sliquid.com/wp_quiz/sliquid-101-quiz/
And some of my faves for people with vaginas:
- It’s OK if you need to do some research. There are amazing sex education how-to manuals out there! Here are just some of my favorites:
- All STIs are treatable or curable. ALL STIs are treatable or curable. ALL STIS ARE TREATABLE OR CURABLE! Yes, all of them. Of course safer sex is ideal, but STIs are a normal and common experinece. The vast majority of them are non life threatening in most people. Please use barrier methods when appropriate, and make sure to disclose any possibly transmittable infections. And most importantly please be kind and thankful to the people who disclose their status to you!